Saturday, July 28, 2018

The personal

BAD is in Cobh, Ireland.

A couple of things have made me a little sad this week, personally sad. Lee wrote a nice post about lifelong friendships. We have a few people who we would call friends but I have never had a personal friend, a confident, like someone who you can speak truthfully to about what bothers you in life.  It is probably a character defect of mine, along also with R and myself being a couple and not reliant on anyone. We are pretty well content with our own company and I have my 'friends on the internet' to quote R. The contentment with each other's company will change one day, when one of us is not around. I s'pose I am a pretty contained person and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. Writing this is perhaps as much as I do.

I had a week off work, worked a week, then had another week off work. I am using up leave before I retire. For both of my two weeks off, there was never a cross word between us, as we battled bathroom renovations. United against a common enemy? Renovations and having tradespeople around is stressful.

I carefully worked the money out and fortunately kept a file. What I paid, what he paid and who was to pay what. I know from experience it is so easy to forget.

Forget I did as the installation of the shower and bath screen were delayed from my second week off, and I forgot who was to pay what. So today when the tradies finally finished by putting in the bath screen, it was time to pay. R looked at me. I thought you were paying, I replied to his look. Ok, no matter, I will pay. I have absolutely no memory of anything related to me paying for the screens. R escorted the tradies from the building and once back exploded. How dare I humiliate him in front of the tradies. It took me a while to understand why I should have paid and not him. As it was I was home for lunch. Had it have been earlier, he would have had to have paid. I had to refer to my file to understand why I paid.

Ok, R paid the plumbing bill and I gave him half, less his share of the screen payment, of which I had paid half. As I said, just as well I write these things down.

So things will be tense for a couple of days, but I guess after 39 years, we won't separate. Relationships are never easy and I am feeling a little maudlin this Friday evening. I was also very saddened this week to read of the separation betwen John Gray of Wales and his husband. I am sure we all hope John well for his future, wherever it may be.

Nothing prepared for posting this Saturday, so there you go.

Thank you for your indulgence.

So that is the bathrooms finished but R's is not usable until Sunday, so I will take photos then when the tapes are removed. I am delighted with my new shower screen.

25 comments:

  1. I am sorry about the sad side to your week. And join you in wishing John all the best, where ever his travels take him.

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    1. EC, I am sure all we who read his blog and those who know him do also.

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  2. I find when I get it wrong - which is *incredibly* rare by the way - an apology usually fixes things. :)

    I did have a best friend growing up but in a situation where I was slapped by my then husband, I walked out without even stopping to put on my shoes or get my handbag. Literally I had no shoes on. I went to stay with a friend (not my best friend) and went to the nearest Target the next day and bought a cheap pair.

    Her husband (old school English bloke) took his side which was I should stay no matter what he did and made her take that side too. I'm sorry but I was raised with "if he hits you, get out asap" and I followed that direction.

    So I never forgave her and I never spoke to her again. Her husband dumped her some years later unsurprisingly after much abuse - she should have seen that red flag when it happened to me - and she did try to get back in touch but I would not have a bar of it, because in the meantime I had looked back at our relationship and realised that while I was always there when she needed me, anytime I needed her she was nowhere to be seen.

    It was all give on my end and take on hers, and while it might have been ok with me while in the middle of it, it did not sit so well when I looked back.. :)

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    1. Snoskred, it human to admit being fallible. Well done you. But I am like you, I am rarely wrong. I kind of guessed you had a first partner. I hope I can safely say, great that you found real love the second time. In a friendship, there has to be something in it for you, just like a relationship aside from family. Great personal comment. Thanks.

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  3. I recently lost my best friend. I feel incredibly sad about this, as we had been friends since we were teenagers. But she came to my home and caused a lot of trouble between my husband and myself, using bits of information I had confided to her about. She also spent the week she was here picking me to pieces and for the first time in my life I felt strong enough to say, no more.
    I miss having a close friend, and it may be that I never have another person to confide in the way I confided in her.
    It's all so sad.

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    1. Maribeth, you must wonder why you were friends with such a person? Someone who you confided in and then, as we say here, did the dirty on you.

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    2. Yes Andrew, I have been wracking my brain. In recent years I felt perhaps I could help her, but her visit showed me that she really needs professional help.

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    3. The phrase 'professional help' is all that is needed for me to understand.

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  4. Let's have a photo of the ribbon cutting ceremony.

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    1. Cro, a bit of white tape actually, and I will be work when R uses the shower in the bath for the first time tomorrow.

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  5. I feel very sad about John but having been in that position myself I had a feeling for a long time that it was coming. One thing I am firm on is that he should not have to leave the cottage and all his animals most of whom are too old to adapt. I didn't leave, I refused to let that blonde bimbo toss me out after 30 years and I outsmarted her. Instead of joint tenants I suggested the ex and I become tenants in common which meant he kept half but didn't get it until I died and I would have outlived him breath by breath.

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    1. Jah Teh, it does seem like he is leaving the cottage but I am sure the animals will stay with him. Good work on your part about tenants in common. I am not sure what we are now. I think we may be that too, on legal advice.

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  6. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, either, Andrew. I keep very much to myself. As I mentioned in my post, I don't have to spend every moment with those few whom I class as, know as to be, my best friends. We never see each other...we never spend time together...years pass in between meetings...but the depth of friendship and love never decreases.

    They were there through my two marriages and separations...between all the flings and dalliances between and thereafter. No matter what or the distances - our friendships will remain.

    I hope your relationship remains solid...I am sure it will. No relationship is ever all smooth sailing...and if people say theirs is...they are fibbing! :)

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    1. Nice words Lee. Thanks. I think your final sentence is quite correct.

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  7. There is just one person who is always there for me; has never let me down; enjoys my sense of humour;agrees with my decisions and shares my passion for travel and adventure. Who is this gem? Myself of course. Once I understood this I learnt not to rely on others but to do what I want when I want and I am enjoying life to the full. Lonely? I can honestly say never. I share a housd with the other half but not my life. We each pay an agreed amount into a joint account a d all household bills, tradesmenn etc are paid from that. No more arguing about money. We never enquire as to what or where the other is going or doing. We are more polite to one another than we ever were when married. Our only concession is we let each other know when we will be away. It has worked brilliantly for the last 10 years.

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    1. Marie, I am knocked down with a feather, or perhaps it is an anvil. Of course my English genes prevented me ever asking you about your personal life, but of course I wondered. Well, well, well. Once R an myself are back to normal, I expect he will be as interested as I am to learn this.....that is if I tell him. He might suggest it would be a good way for us to live. Well, actually we at least follow your financial state. We have our own money and never the twain is mixed. But that doesn't stop either of us being generous towards the other.

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  8. I'm very much the same as you Andrew. Self-contained with no one I can be "up close and personal" with. I tell a few things to a few people, but never truly bare the soul. As for who pays, it's always been me, even when married, both times. No wonder I'm flat broke now. Not complaining, just saying. I get by and certainly don't go hungry.
    Looking forward to seeing the new shower screens.

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    1. River, I suppose we are like that because we want to be. I am just a bit fearful of old age as R in nine years older than me, and to lose him and have no friends...... Yes, that is me, selfish to the core. Just like my mother. I am pretty ok with my own company though as are you. I expect both of us would like to be up close and personal with someone, as long as we could keep them at arms length. :)

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  9. Just like you I also feel I don't have close friends I could confide in. For me it could be because we've moved so much around the world and relationships just fizzle out.
    I do envy people who still have good friends from childhood or university.
    We've always had a shared account for all expenses and we're lucky that neither of us is a big spender, but we don't keep tabs on who spends what. If we have to make a big purchase we'll discuss it.
    So sorry to hear of your friend's divorce, not nice when couples have been together for a while.

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    1. Sami, I normally know what kind of response I will get from posts, but the responses to this one have knocked me sideways. At least you have a good reason for not having really long term friends. I shall insist Grace and P invite you for a barbeque, asap. Ok, you have already met them, and Grace said you are just so lovely. It is a blog mate, not a personal friend who is divorcing, but just as important really.

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  10. I'm not good with friendships. I know a woman who is a know it all. I can't even start in on something without her interrupting to tell me how she's done that and so much bigger and better than I. She knows EVERYTHING, or thinks so anyhow, and also makes stuff up on the fly. Drives me so nuts I can't really be around her. So much for another "friend". I have one close friend. I don't see her often but I can be myself around her and she herself around me, always has been that way. I admire those who live with a partner. It must be the greatest skill set there is, to put up with another person, day in, day out, their faults, their quirks, their farts and cross words, but partners and married couples do it, sometimes for decades. I admire this ability. It amazes me.

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    1. Strayer, I suggest that living with someone requires compromises by both persons, which is not necessarily onerous. Generally, you just have to on well together and don't sweat the small things. At least you do have one friend, and I am sure you have many who admire you for the work you do to make the world a better place for cats.

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    2. Thanks Andrew. I know a lot of wonderful people, just not that close to them. It's been a privilege to meet so many really amazing folks.

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  11. As long as you make up with each other, fighting is quite normal. We had words this morning because A hurt my foot. Then blamed me! Nitwit.

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    1. Fen, we don't make up anymore but just get back to normal in a few days. When it is appropriate, remind A of his act of domestic violence upon you.

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