The headlines are taken from The Age, in a puff piece travel article. I am just rewriting their puff piece. The text is my own. It was a bit of fun and don't take it too seriously. Remember, this is what you will not hear Australians saying when they travel.
1. I wish we had coffee like this back at home.
You will never hear that. We have the best coffee, coffee machines and coffee makers in the world. In some of our large metropolitan areas in Australia it can be very difficult to find a bad cup of coffee. In other most large metropolitan around areas around the world, it can be impossible to find a decent cup of coffee. I was so disappointed that Canada with its French influence had coffee as bad as the rest of the world. Vietnam does better.
2. This is the most beautiful beach I have ever seen.
No. The Australian coastline has mile upon mile of beautiful beaches At times they can be deserted and you will have a beautiful beach all to yourself. Sounds a bit boring to me, actually. I like people around.
3. I'd love to visit that country, but it is too far away.
No, Australians pop up all over the world in large numbers. While we still complain about long flights to anywhere else than Asia or New Zealand, and the expense, we do it; we travel frequently and often for long distances.
4. Tipping is a terrific idea.
We hate it. We don't know how to do it properly and we don't see why we should do it at all. Why is it not included in the price, on the menu? At best, we do it begrudgingly.
5. Do you accept Australian dollars here?
We are under no illusions that our currency is at all desirable. It isn't and we know it. It is a lesson that US travellers could learn. No, people don't always want US dollars and if they do take them, they are probably cheating you a little with the exchange rate.
6. Everything here is so far apart.
We are used to great distances, as are citizens of the US and Canada. You can fly for five hours in a plane in Australia and not even leave the country. Europeans find our distances hard to comprehend. Strangely so do some US citizens.
7. It's so good to find some other Australians when travelling overseas.
No, we don't leave Australia to find other Australian travellers. But I suppose if you're missing home a bit, perhaps you wouldn't mind running into one, ever so briefly.
8. No thanks, no drink for me.
Australians like to drink, often to excess. It is in our English and Scottish genes, well for those who have them. Why change that habit when overseas, especially when on holidays?
9. The rent here is insanely expensive.
Apart from central New York, Tokyo and London, we won't be shocked by rental prices. We are constantly shocked in our own country by our own rental and property prices. I am not quite sure how Australians can afford to live in Australia.
10. Are you from Australia or New Zealand?
A Kiwi can live in Australia for almost their whole adult life and can almost get away with people thinking they are Australian, but there will be one word or that one vowel sound that will give them away. Australians do know who is a New Zealander as soon as they speak. I am unsure if it works in reverse.
Bonus 11. Australia is the best country in the world.
While we may smugly and secretly think this, we don't go around shouting it about to all and sundry. It is not God's Own Country, but not such a bad place.