Sunday, December 29, 2013

Once Were Warriors

As I mentioned in a christmas post I think, Chainsaw Niece and her Maori partner turned up very early for christmas dinner. They had taken his sister to the airport and had to be up at 4am to do so. They were supposed to be here at noon for christmas dinner, but were here by 10.00. What to do? R had a lot of work to do in the kitchen. I took them out in my modest motor to Station Pier to see a cruise liner in dock and have a walk and a chat. Chainsaw Niece has been putting on weight and so decided to start jogging. She hurt her leg and two weeks later, it is not better. I did ask if she was ok to walk and she assured me she was, but I think R and I convinced her that two weeks was a long time for that sort of pain and she needed to see a doctor. I also told her to ask Bone Doctor at dinner later. It is BD's area of expertise. Not sure if she did.

It was a nice walk and chat. Sister getting married to her female partner was discussed among us, fishing too with significant input from her partner. They talked about a ship cruise next year. I will call her partner M, as he is Maori and it is the initial of his biblical name.

M was really nice on christmas day. He paid due respect to Mother. He was friendly to our christmas orphan Fijian Indian friend. Yes, all went very well. M and Chainsaw Niece were to visit Geelong the next day for M's family christmas celebration. Sister picked up on this and said what about us, Sister, Bone Doctor and Little Jo, meeting you at the water fun park where your family celebration is being held. Tickets were printed out on our printer and all was arranged.

It went ok for a while, until Chainsaw Niece left M for a bit to have some rides. She returned and M launched into a five minute swearing tirade about being left alone. Apparently he had some mates there who called him to join in with them. It was the worst possible language in front of children and was relentless. Sister guided all the children away while Bone Doctor observed. M eventually grabbed Chainsaw Niece's arm harshly and swung her around.

Umm, that does not sound like the perfectly nice and respectable bloke who was at our place the day before.

Sister was here today to see cricket and R looked after Little Jo. When I came home from work, R gave me a brief version out of ear shot of Little Jo, and later over a barbeque, Sister gave me the full version.

Chainsaw Niece has indicated before that M has anger management issues. She said no more than that. She is on a bad track with M. It will only get worse. I doubt she really loves him. She needs to get rid of him, but they live together in Tradie Brother's house. He is going to see family in New Zealand on New Year's Day.

Sister was going to call Tradie Brother for him to have a word and lock him out, to not return after his NZ sojourn. I advised Sister otherwise. Tradie Brother, as wonderful as he at times, drinks to much and might do something extreme. I suggested Sister call ex Sis in Law.  Isn't advice better coming from your mum?

Chainsaw Niece sent a couple texts to Sister. One saying she was ok and not to worry, the second that she did not want to be with M but could not work out how to get out of it.

My niece deserves better. I so want to get busy sending texts and emails and making calls, and sorting it all out but I shall not. My wisdom about everything is in my head, and is not necessarily how things work  I have learnt over many years that there may a point to intervene, but generally things sort themselves out. Chainsaw Niece needs to have a good talk to her mother, ex Sis in Law.

I, or we are right aren't we? Chainsaw Niece is on a road to nowhere with this bloke. I can't even imagine her pleading, but I love him.

Later edit: Sister has spoken to Chainsaw Niece's  mum, Ex Sis in Law and ESiL said she would speak to Tradie Brother, her ex husband who is Chainsaw Niece's father about the matter. ESiL was already aware of issues and  did not like the bloke.


33 comments:

  1. Yes, you're completely right, Andrew; this creature doesn't respect himself let alone your niece.
    Ditch the prick, kick him to the kerb, no 2nd chances and don't even friend-zone him, he doesn't deserve a damn thing.

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    1. That is my instinct Jayne. Could he be helped with counselling though?

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    2. No. It's inbuilt Maori behaviour as far as I can see. It would take centuries of therapy.

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    3. River, it is rather racial stereotyping, but there does seem to be some truth in what you say.

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    4. Nope, not because " it's a Maori thing" , counselling won't work on someone who doesn't believe there's a problem.

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    5. You're right Jayne and I apologise for my stereotyping.

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    6. Jayne, I don't actually know if he knows it is a problem. I don't know if the matter has ever been addressed. I am sure there are plenty of good Maori men but stereotypes don't come from nowhere. It seemed too complicated to explain, but his parents are from the Cook Islands.

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  2. I think you are right but it has to be her decision, once we are adults we control our own lives but sadly we are not always wise.
    Merle..........

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    1. Merle, yes we make our choices but sometimes guidance and clarity of thought needs to be there too.

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  3. It is up to her, but she needs to know she has support from friends & family & to know that she has somewhere to go at any time. It sounds as though she has already made up her mind, but it can be hard to find the strength to act & it might take a few goes before she is able to make the break. Just keep in touch with her & be there to help pick up the pieces....

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    1. Mary, she has more supportive people in her life than anyone could possibly have. Just to make it clear, she and he live with her father, my brother, in his house.

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  4. Yes it is up to her, however keep an eye on the situation. Violence against women can have tragic consequences.

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    1. Fen, I am just imagining a lifetime for her of him being apologetic for his occasional outbursts. Life should be better than that.

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  5. Andrew, this sounds perfect for a sitcom. Write a script and pitch it to the ABC. You'd have a hit.

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    1. Don't think so Bill. Too close to reality for so many women.

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  6. Aargh. This is too familiar. She does need to get out. Before it escalates out of control. And yes, easier said than done. There are services which can help, but she needs to take that first step.

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    1. EC, as in an earlier comment, she has plenty of support and it is just a matter of kicking him out. The decision does have to made by her.

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  7. Once Were Warriors. I saw that movie years ago and it scared the pants off me. So much, way too much, domestic violence, tragedy and suffering. This is the future Chainsaw niece can look forward to if M is already treating her roughly. Has she seen the movie? Maybe you could arrange for her to see it and give her a wake-up call? I have a copy of it right here on my computer, could probably figure out how to send it to you. I've been hit too, it isn't something I'd want anyone else to go through.

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    1. Thanks for the offer River. It was one of the most horrific movies I have see, because I just knew that it was so real. I don't think you have mentioned that you had been hit, but I guessed.

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  8. Doesn't sound like the makings of a good relationship. As you say though she needs to see the light herself and do something about it.

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    1. Diane, I have never seen any real love between them. They behave like they are friends. I will speak to Sister tomorrow and see how the call went to Chainsaw Niece's mother.

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  9. Oh god that sounds awful. At least she seems to know what she SHOULD do. Can her immediate family help/support her to do it?

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    1. Jackie, she has plenty of family support. All she has to do is say to her dad, I don't want him back in the house and it will pretty well be all ended.

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  10. What an awful situation. I hope she comes around soon. Sadly, she has to make the decision.

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    1. She does Mitchell. We can help, but ultimately it is up to her.

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  11. How sad. Does she read your blog?? I hope she knows how many of your readers are in support of her moving on. Sometimes when you're in a bad situation you lose sight of what's 'normal' so having a whole bunch of strangers saying 'this isn't normal, get out while you can' can help you see what it looks like to those who don't have a vested interest.

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    1. No family read my blog Red. That is why I can write quite freely. I am amazed none have come across it, but if they did and recognised me, they would not read anymore than the last couple of posts and they would not know about tags.

      Sister is almost a disinterested party and suitable to offer advice and comfort, without being closely involved. I will update the post now.

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  12. Not good Andrew and you're right so many women find themselves in this situation. Let's hope it doesn't take something too drastic for her to realize she can't change him!

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    1. Yes, I hope that too Grace.

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  13. I've been in that identical situation with my daughter's boyfriend, an Arab. He'd put on a scene now and again in front of me and other people just to show her that he could, and get away with it. He especially liked to abuse her in front of his mates to show what a big shot he was. It happened in front of kids too which is unforgiveable. No brains.

    My situation may have been more dangerous than yours because having no brains this bloke was capable of anything in the way of revenge on me after telling her to get rid of him. But golly I had to do it.

    Reading what some other people have said here annoyed me because I don't really agree that "the decision has to be hers".

    If it does I'd be telling her to make it.

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  14. These blokes don't change.

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  15. Maybe too he was furious at your sister and BD turning up there. Jealousy is huge with these jokers.

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  16. And that's all, good luck.

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