Saturday, February 20, 2010

Homo handshake

I was very amused to recently learn the expression homo handshake. Jeb was talking about the matter of men trying to meet girls.

He said, Of course, it’d all never work in the gay community, and nor does it need to. You-know-what is virtually the homo handshake. Conversation comes afterwards!

Jeb is fairly well on the mark. The sex bit is expected and easy. The conversation and getting some other connection is the harder part. A connection between two gay guys stands or falls on the latter, not the former. Of course you do need to have had good sex, but there is almost close to a one hundred percent chance that you will get a bit on the side or a bit upfront in time, no matter how well you click.

Dearest young gay friends, I don't expect you to take too much notice of a jaded old queen such as moi, but if it is not you who plays around a bit in your relationship, it will be your partner. But here is where we gays can be superior. A bit of playing around does not mean you don't love the person you have committed to. Admit this and always play safe and gay people can re-invent relationships. After all, it is only what straights have been doing for a long time but are never honest about it. Relationships are not easy, but getting rid of petty jealousy over a bit on the side is a good start. Being there for the person is what is important along with keeping your mouth shut to friends or anyone.

Egad, that reads like an awful lot of self justification. It wasn't how this post was meant to be but it has been hanging around for a long time and I needed to finish it somehow.


  1. Anonymous12:45 am

    I don't think you can talk about "gay relationships" or "straight relationships" in a general way like you're doing HR, you can only talk about your own experience. It's about whatever works for you and your partner. As a gay man, for example, I'm not looking to "re-invent" relationships by redefining them. I also don't think every gay relationship begins with sex. I guess that part of this is that you're from a generation of gay men who was sexually active before HIV, whereas I was an adolescent when the Grim Reaper started bowling everyone over on the TV. The risks of casual sex were always forefront, and I divorced my first husband because of his wandering libido. He was a stupid fucker, literally. Anyway, if you're "Jaded Queen" then I'm certainly "Pollyanna" on this issue!

  2. "After all, it is only what straights have been doing for a long time but are never honest about it."

    I can honestly say that, regardless of what other straight blokes/blokettes might get up to, I have never once played around.

    I wouldn't dare.

  3. Hmmm. Can't say that I agree with you on that topic, Mr H.

    A bit of playing around means that you are not committed - gay or straight. Full stop. You're either with someone or you're a free agent. Can't be both. (IMO of course.)

    Unfortunately it's such attitudes which give fodder to the people who are anti-marriage/anti-everything for gays.

    Anyhoo, not judging. Each to their own.

  4. I wish I'd had enough long term relationships to have an informed, experienced opinion on this.

    By the way, what is the homo handshake? I can't see the reference to it on the link you provided.

  5. I look at myself, and my friends, both gay and (predominantly) straight. Some are single, some coupled, some in the middle somewhere and I don't hold the decisions any of them have made about the direction of their relationship(s) against them.

    That is for them to decide and operate as they see fit, just as I do.

    Personally I look at it this way: Love and sex are two entirely different entities. You can love someone without ever having sex with them. You can have sex with someone you do not love and you can love the person you're having sex with.

    At the end of the day you need to work out which dynamic works for you. Only you can decide, and no one else tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

    Of course, as you mentioned - none of this is new, and it's not particularly changing in any way, it just seems to be more discussed these days, which again, is no bad thing in my mind.

  6. You make me smile Andrew. Don was of course mainly heterosexual - but he had attributes of lips are sealed...I was so lucky to have found someone so tolerant of what was in those days "other" and so honest re these issues... he was no hypocrite and if I have to declare as to my main dislike its for hypocrisy. Don's best mate was Gay - and he loved a way. but he knew Don was mainly straight with the odd twist - and he stuck with Don until our best mate Alan died a year before Don. Don seemed to have an understanding of all human conditions and no prejudices how lucky was I?

  7. Scott, quite so. Of of course not all gay relationships begin with sex. I still think that maintaining monogamy in a gay relationship, especially when the parties are young, is difficult if not impossible. One may be able to, the other may not. If it bothers one party, then they will do as you did. You are quite right about being a slightly different generation but I was only active a couple of years before the bowling ball arrived.

    Brian, if you don't have the desire to and that is how your relationship is built, good.

    Ren, of course the ideal is no one plays around, but what happens in practice with human nature over many many years seems to indicate that the ideal is very difficult to attain. Ask most males if they could have a quick bit of meaningless sex and they will say yes. Ask females, and I suspect the answer will be quite different. Sex seems such a loaded word for women, or am I being downright sexist?

    Victor, 'you-know-what is the virtual homo handshake'.

    Pretty well on the money Mutant. And no, it is certainly not new and has nearly caused as many problems as religion does.

  8. Funny MC. I think I picked something up about Don at some point. Thanks for telling me, and yes indeed, you were very fortunate. You had something, well someone, that many people never have. Your loss is terrible but you really did have someone special.

  9. I was lucky because he was not a hypocrite - he admired both women and men... and anything that was beautiful...he was unashamed about this...and I was with him in this...when Alan died we were both devastated...

  10. Nice MC. Not much more to say.


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