Thursday, September 21, 2017

Self Conscious

Another old post edited slightly and posted.

While I am quite perfect in my mind, I know I am far from being so. In some ways R and myself are quite alike, but in many ways we are not.

It has been quoted back to me that I am a bit difficult to begin with but once you know me and I consider you a friend, I am ok. R is much more spontaneous and far more instantly likeable. But down the track when there is a danger of us falling out over something, I am far more forgiving. Not so R who will take things very personally as being directed against him, while I will look at the person and their motivations and reasons for their behaviour. My way is better.......umm, that is until I can't understand someone's behaviour, their reasons and motivations..

Why is this all so?

For as long as I can remember, right back to being very young, I have been extremely self conscious, as my mother is, as her father was. What I remember my grandfather mostly for saying, was 'shh, the neighbours' and 'don't eat like you haven't been fed'. Along with that gene that was passed down, so was the hand trembling and shakes. What will this person think of me is always on my mind.

Extreme self consciousness is not going to kill you and in the bigger picture, is not a high priority for funding of studies. However, it is at times quite debilitating. In some ways I have overcome it in that mostly when meeting a stranger, I do ok, but it is certainly a struggle. And it does ease as you age and you realise that no one is particularly interested in whether you wore the same shirt last weekend as you are this weekend.

One of our cars is almost the oldest car in the building's car park. It barely gets used but when it does, I feel so embarrassed to be seen it by neighbours or even people out on the road. That it goes well, its air con and heating works and two of the four windows still work and is quite zippy and I don't mind driving it, why should I feel like that? R feels even worse about being seen in it.

At times when I was a lad, my father embarrassed me. For my whole life my mother has embarrassed me. She talks too much and too loud. She has even embarrassed R, who is quite used to the embarrassing things old people do and say.

I know this won't be published immediately, Sunday 23/07, but I know I will be embarrassed tomorrow by our balcony glass, windows and balcony door being dirty when men come to fix our balcony door. Somehow I will slip in, sorry, nothing looks so clean. The cleaner did not want to clean the balcony in the cold wind. No, the cleaners, us or one of us, did not.

20 comments:

  1. This is painfully familiar.
    Very painfully familiar.

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    1. EC, it's a cross to bear and don't you agree it gets easier as you get older?

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  2. Anonymous8:24 am

    And yet here you are, posting this and doubtless wondering what we all think of you. But on this blog, we are all your friends. Are you on social media? There people can and do obsess over who likes and dislikes me and why all these people HATE me. Very unhealthy, especially in young people who fret about everything far too much. Never mind. As the great Oscar Wilde once said, 'the only think worse in life than being talked about, is not being talked about.' - Ian

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    1. Ian, I paint paint myself as brilliant here, don't I? I do use social media but not much. Blogs are my social media addiction and I must say, I love the little community in the blog world that I am part of. I get attached to the people, I've met some and liked them, I feel sad when blog people when blog people make a choice to disappear. I never feel that people hate me. I am too innoxious for that. Generally since about 1997, most of internet experiences have been good, with only a couple of problematic people matters along the way. Mind, I have never tolerated nastiness on my blog and I don't wear it generally in life either. At times I have made sure I am talked about, for good or bad, but not really now I am older.

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  3. I very nearly inherited this concern from my Mother. She did try very hard to instill it in me, but somehow I got to a place where I realised the easiest person to please is myself and if other people do not like who I am that is fine by me. :)

    One has to set a course and then sail it, adjusting along the way for any weather patterns. :)

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    1. Snoskred, you last sentence is wisdom personified. For some reason, people do seem to like me for what I am, except for R at the moment, but I am not talking about that.

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  4. I have given up all hope of being gregarious, fun to be with, self confident, or well dressed. I now accept that my role in life is as 'scruffy hermit'.

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    1. Bit of an act Cro? Once you reach a certain age, who really cares.

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  5. My mother also talked too much and too loud, she was very social, but instead of being embarrassed, I wished I could be more like that. Which is completely at odds with me trying so very hard to not be like her as I grew up.
    I was self conscious, but not extremely, I was more shy than caring what others think, and now I don't care at all, but I'm still uncomfortable meeting strangers when it is forced or pushed upon me. A chance encounter is much easier and these days I have little trouble saying hello or chatting with neighbours, even those I don't know yet.

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    1. River, you first sentence clicks with me. My mother sounds like yours was. I too have tried to not be like my mother but in some ways I am. R tells me that every so often.

      Ah, yes, shyness comes into it and dare I say self protectiveness? You never get rejected if you don't put yourself forward. With respect, at your age you should not be in the position to meet people who you don't want to. But sometimes it can be good, albeit character building.

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  6. You've courageously posted what a few of us feel on a daily basis. As a kid, I was often thought to have an outrageous personality and was easily embarrassed. Now that I'm much older, I'm more laid back, and embarrassed less. I'm also one of those people that are tolerant of a lot, and tolerant of nothing. That's why I'm glad to meet so many new blogging friends. Hugs...RO

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    1. RO, thanks for your personal tale. This blogging thing is pretty good, hey.

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  7. I guess I'm lucky that mum and dad were fairly confident, I do think that makes a difference. I love that you were confident enough to share Andrew, when we met I thought you were as funny, interesting and engaging as your blog persona ✨

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    1. Grace, that is an extremely kind thing to say. You too were exactly as I expected.

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  8. I, too, have that problem. wish I didn't. My life would've much, much different.

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    1. Kirk, I know what you are saying. Employment wise, my life would certainly be different, but we are what we are and regrets are futile.

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  9. I'm the same way Andrew. It's not that easy to be this way.

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    1. Strayer, aren't you that weird cat lady? Why would you worry about what people think of you?

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  10. Some of the embarrassments you mention - especially regarding your parents - are so common I think they are universal particularly in our teenage years.

    By the time my mother had developed Alzheimers and I had become her carer I was well and truly over any embarrassment which is just as well as her condition caused her to behave strangely in public at times.

    For many years I was racked with insecurity about what others thought of me but now in my senior years those concerns are mostly, but not entirely, behind me.

    A saying I heard a few years back is my reassurance nowadays. It goes something to the effect that 'you would be less concerned about what others think of you if you knew how rarely they do'. Think about it.

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    1. Yes Victor, your last sentence is quite true. I think I did say that within my post.

      I should keep this private but I am a bit freaked by all the new gay guys at work, who I have no connection with because they are so young and so out there and so open and friendly.

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