Another old post edited slightly and posted.
While I am quite perfect in my mind, I know I am far from being so. In some ways R and myself are quite alike, but in many ways we are not.
It has been quoted back to me that I am a bit difficult to begin with but once you know me and I consider you a friend, I am ok. R is much more spontaneous and far more instantly likeable. But down the track when there is a danger of us falling out over something, I am far more forgiving. Not so R who will take things very personally as being directed against him, while I will look at the person and their motivations and reasons for their behaviour. My way is better.......umm, that is until I can't understand someone's behaviour, their reasons and motivations..
Why is this all so?
For as long as I can remember, right back to being very young, I have been extremely self conscious, as my mother is, as her father was. What I remember my grandfather mostly for saying, was 'shh, the neighbours' and 'don't eat like you haven't been fed'. Along with that gene that was passed down, so was the hand trembling and shakes. What will this person think of me is always on my mind.
Extreme self consciousness is not going to kill you and in the bigger picture, is not a high priority for funding of studies. However, it is at times quite debilitating. In some ways I have overcome it in that mostly when meeting a stranger, I do ok, but it is certainly a struggle. And it does ease as you age and you realise that no one is particularly interested in whether you wore the same shirt last weekend as you are this weekend.
One of our cars is almost the oldest car in the building's car park. It barely gets used but when it does, I feel so embarrassed to be seen it by neighbours or even people out on the road. That it goes well, its air con and heating works and two of the four windows still work and is quite zippy and I don't mind driving it, why should I feel like that? R feels even worse about being seen in it.
At times when I was a lad, my father embarrassed me. For my whole life my mother has embarrassed me. She talks too much and too loud. She has even embarrassed R, who is quite used to the embarrassing things old people do and say.
I know this won't be published immediately, Sunday 23/07, but I know I will be embarrassed tomorrow by our balcony glass, windows and balcony door being dirty when men come to fix our balcony door. Somehow I will slip in, sorry, nothing looks so clean. The cleaner did not want to clean the balcony in the cold wind. No, the cleaners, us or one of us, did not.