Monday, November 07, 2016

My Dear US Citizen

Dear US citizen, should the worst come to worst after your election and you would like to flee your country to Australia, if you fill these criteria, you would be most welcome.

I know Canada is probably more attractive. It's Prime Minister is certainly more attractive than Australia's but Canada probably doesn't want you.

Ok, my criteria

1/ You don't thank or praise the lord for everything in public and you don't tell people that they are in your prayers. The lord does not always give. She often just takes.

2/ You don't bring your restaurant tipping practice to Australia. Our waiting staff are poorly paid, but compared to yours, paid well enough. If you start tipping, our staff will expect us to tip.

3/ You can look at a map of world and point to Australia, England and say roughly France....western Europe at least, and know the continents of the world.

4/ You already know that the world sometimes spells English words differently, as we do in Australia. Don't come here and tell us our spelling is wrong.

5/ Only police and some guards carry guns. Sporting shooters, farmers and some other professionals have access to guns. You will be laughed at if you apply to carry a gun for personal protection. Any other person who carries a gun, apart from the first two mentioned, is a criminal.

6/ You must fit into Australia and not be overtly critical. Leave that to us long time Australians. Once you have your citizenship, you can quietly join the rest of us and complain, not loudly though, not of the country that has given you refuge from the ravages of Trumpet.

7/ You must at least pay lip service to caring for the environment and express your concerns. You could actually be proactive about concerns for the environment, but that is probably a bit un-Australian. Learn the phrase 'It's a worry' with different inflexions and you will get a long way, as will the phrase , 'no worries'.

I'm determined to get to /10

8/ An old saying goes, Jack is as good as his Master. While we pretend Australia is a country of equality, it is not. However, to act superior to other people in public is really not the done thing. We are generally polite and don't push in and anyone who does so is given the evil eye, at the least. We say please and thank you, but we are not overtly gushy about it. My childhood experience of addressing people older than yourself, you called them Mr, Mrs or Miss until invited to use their given name. R tells me this is rubbish. The first thing that struck him when he arrived in Australia in 1971 was how everyone used given names. Anyway, go through with the pretence that all Australians are equal and you won't go wrong. People here don't widely use the words Sir or Madame.

9/ Ummm...... while in our hearts we know Australia is not a bad place to live in the scheme of things, most of us don't cry out about it. It is not God's own Country. It is not the country of the brave, young and free. It is not the best god dammed country on earth. It is sort of ok, but could do with a lot of improvement.

9a/ Australia is very multi cultural and unlike in the US, the different cultures mix better here. Immigrant arrival ghettos quickly break down with the next generation. That this will happen with our large Moslem/African immigration of recent years, I am not so sure about, but it probably will. It always has in the past.  My experience of immigration only goes back forty years, but knowledge a good bit further, and I cannot remember immigration being so problematic as it now is.

10/ Keep your voice down. There are enough loud Australians here without adding loud Americans.

10a/ Don't bring your shit coffee with you. We either drink instant coffee or hand/machine made coffee from an espresso machine, or both.

10b/ We don't throw shrimps on a barbie. We might barbeque a prawn but I don't think I have ever had barbequed prawns.




34 comments:

  1. Sounds pretty good. And we don't do Halloween, or marching bands. And yes, the weather IS hot at Christmas.

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    1. EC, we really can't say we don't do Halloween now, annoying as it is. Those female cheer squads too. Don't want.

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  2. Andrew If I could US or Australia. Definitely Your country which is better organised... and lifestyly is better

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    1. Goisa, Australia does many things better, I think, but not everything.

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  3. Anonymous9:32 am

    11. If fleeing from President Turnip, you can apply for political asylum.

    12. For God's sake, don't come by boat.

    Ian

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    1. Ian, would that be about 2/3 of the population applying for asylum? Wise words about the boat thought it might be a hard call on which is worst, Manus Island or Trump's America.

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  4. Love it Andrew!! Hilarious .... I especially liked Anonymous's comment. President Turnip??????? and For God's sake don't come by boat. Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Pleased to have amused you Charlie. I normally refer to that man as Trumpet but Turnip is good too.

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  5. I think all those criteria are easily done--maybe I should add Oz to my list of possible refuge spots should Orange Cosby get elected! ;)

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    1. Jennifer, indeed you should and you would be most welcome. I had to Google Orange Cosby. Very amusing.

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    2. well, now *I* have to google orange cosby (*~*)

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  6. If they need to have all ten points, plus the a's and b's, none of them will ever get here. Except maybe fishducky and Joanne.

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    1. River, you perfectly demonstrate that there are Americans that fit the stereotype and then there are the Americans we have come to know online. Worldly, outward looking, maybe religious but they don't wear it on their sleeves and very much like us.

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  7. I might head out in my raft. I know you said no boats, but.....some people here are quite worried there may be violence after the election. I am wondering the same. Some folks are saying its the end of America as we knew it, come November 9. Many Trump supporters are violence lovers is the reason and if he doesn't win, will they shut up and crawl back to their parents basements or take up arms? No one knows.

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    1. Strayer, if you could achieve getting across the Pacific in your raft, you would get a hero's welcome. It has been done before.

      As long as the public service, the army and the police remain loyal to government, you will be ok. Clinton may not be widely liked, but she is not a fool.

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  8. I happily received some writing from an American, as long as she didn't use USA spelling, grammar or slang. She was perfectly happy to go along with that, but has never heard of proper English and thus didn't know how to edit her writing. Oh dear.

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    1. Hels, do you mean as a submission to your blog about something artistic? Houston, we have a problem.

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  9. The word Solder has a L near the middle. This letter is not silent!

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    1. Sorry Pippa. It took me a while to understand Hels comment above, but I am not getting solder at all.

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    2. The yanks pronounce it sodor, and this just grates on my nerves. Soldering, as in attaching electronic components onto circuit boards using solder.

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    3. And mine. It causes us to say things at the television.

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    4. Pippa, that is not one I know about. Interesting. I wonder how that came about.

      EC, missile pronounced missal is my pet peeve.

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  10. From 1 to 7 it would be almost the same here ! Guns are strictly forbidden, even policemen once their service finished are not allowed to carry their gun at home !
    You know that if Trump becomes President, he will be the first billionaire of all times who moves into a public house which has been abandoned by a black family ! (I read that somewhere here in our Newspaper)

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    1. Gattina, and in the UK, they are even more strict about police carrying guns. I heard that joke about the Whitehouse just yesterday.

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  11. Love this Andrew! Well done!!
    From our farmers prospective: a ute is a ute and a truck is a truck. Given that we invented the ute don't call it a tuuck.

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    1. CM, and nor is it a pick up.

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    2. It's my belief that a pickup is something bigger than a ute, which is carsized, and smaller than a full truck, which some of us (the ones from England) call a lorry.

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  12. Gee Andrew, now I now why I felt so much at home in Melbourne.

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    1. Marie, we can't get away from our heritage in many areas and are perhaps the better for it.

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  13. You have covered everything your set of rules should be given to everyone who comes here to live not just the Yanks.
    Merle..................

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    1. Merle, I can get in enough trouble when I talk about immigration etc, I thought it best not to say that, but you have and I pretty well agree.

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    2. I love Merle, Andrew. She ALWAYS says it as she sees it. I don't always agree with her but I sure as hell agree with her right to be able to say it.

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    3. Charlie, and better still, she likes dogs....and cats, and chooks and pigeons.

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