Dear US citizen, should the worst come to worst after your election and you would like to flee your country to Australia, if you fill these criteria, you would be most welcome.
I know Canada is probably more attractive. It's Prime Minister is certainly more attractive than Australia's but Canada probably doesn't want you.
Ok, my criteria
1/ You don't thank or praise the lord for everything in public and you don't tell people that they are in your prayers. The lord does not always give. She often just takes.
2/ You don't bring your restaurant tipping practice to Australia. Our waiting staff are poorly paid, but compared to yours, paid well enough. If you start tipping, our staff will expect us to tip.
3/ You can look at a map of world and point to Australia, England and say roughly France....western Europe at least, and know the continents of the world.
4/ You already know that the world sometimes spells English words differently, as we do in Australia. Don't come here and tell us our spelling is wrong.
5/ Only police and some guards carry guns. Sporting shooters, farmers and some other professionals have access to guns. You will be laughed at if you apply to carry a gun for personal protection. Any other person who carries a gun, apart from the first two mentioned, is a criminal.
6/ You must fit into Australia and not be overtly critical. Leave that to us long time Australians. Once you have your citizenship, you can quietly join the rest of us and complain, not loudly though, not of the country that has given you refuge from the ravages of Trumpet.
7/ You must at least pay lip service to caring for the environment and express your concerns. You could actually be proactive about concerns for the environment, but that is probably a bit un-Australian. Learn the phrase 'It's a worry' with different inflexions and you will get a long way, as will the phrase , 'no worries'.
I'm determined to get to /10
8/ An old saying goes, Jack is as good as his Master. While we pretend Australia is a country of equality, it is not. However, to act superior to other people in public is really not the done thing. We are generally polite and don't push in and anyone who does so is given the evil eye, at the least. We say please and thank you, but we are not overtly gushy about it. My childhood experience of addressing people older than yourself, you called them Mr, Mrs or Miss until invited to use their given name. R tells me this is rubbish. The first thing that struck him when he arrived in Australia in 1971 was how everyone used given names. Anyway, go through with the pretence that all Australians are equal and you won't go wrong. People here don't widely use the words Sir or Madame.
9/ Ummm...... while in our hearts we know Australia is not a bad place to live in the scheme of things, most of us don't cry out about it. It is not God's own Country. It is not the country of the brave, young and free. It is not the best god dammed country on earth. It is sort of ok, but could do with a lot of improvement.
9a/ Australia is very multi cultural and unlike in the US, the different cultures mix better here. Immigrant arrival ghettos quickly break down with the next generation. That this will happen with our large Moslem/African immigration of recent years, I am not so sure about, but it probably will. It always has in the past. My experience of immigration only goes back forty years, but knowledge a good bit further, and I cannot remember immigration being so problematic as it now is.
10/ Keep your voice down. There are enough loud Australians here without adding loud Americans.
10a/ Don't bring your shit coffee with you. We either drink instant coffee or hand/machine made coffee from an espresso machine, or both.
10b/ We don't throw shrimps on a barbie. We might barbeque a prawn but I don't think I have ever had barbequed prawns.