Thursday, February 26, 2015

Oh my, it's just too big

How big is Australia? It takes about five hours to fly east to west or north to south. If you are flying to Australia from the direction of Europe, do not bother touching up your lipstick and putting on your hat and gloves as you cross the northern Australian coast. You probably still have a way to go yet.


The placement of the overlay of Australia on Europe amuses me. Perhaps this is Australia's European take over plan. Let me explore my plan.

Seems some Portugal is ok, but most of it isn't. I hope we have the bit where Nandos chickens are farmed and there are cute little trams. We don't want the Spanish Mediterranean beaches or the Rock of Gibraltar? I think we've got all the vineyards in though.

Yes, we can well live without Sicily and the Italian mafia in the south. Have we got Venice? Not sure from the map. Fair Italians in the north are a bit more like us, so good that we have them, especially as they actually work for a living. We can retain the name of Italy for our bit and the rest can be renamed Bunga Bunga Land.

Oh dear, poor Tasmania with only sea and a bit of Egypt. Tasmanians aren't really used to deserts and Moslems, and looking at their own Sphinx will do their heads in, both of them.

Way cool, we have lovely green Ireland but without the troublesome Northern Ireland and it looks like we aren't taking on that huge social security and health care drain on the public purse, Scotland. Deep fried Mars Bars, followed by a fag and a glass of scotch indeed.

I've got a theme happening here. How many countries can I insult and stereotype?

Most of Norway is in but sadly not all of the southern fiords. Where is Findus? Plenty of fish fingers for all. Ah, maybe that is in Abba Land next door. Well, anyway, we have Mary back in Australia with the inclusion of Denmark. Finland, not much point to having that now that Nokia is but a shell of its former self.

I'd like to exclude Russia as it could be very dangerous for our PM to cross the Ukraine border and shirt front Putin from there.  But if we moved the map left, we would bring back in Scotland and Northern Ireland. We'll just call the Australian bit of Russia a de-militarised zone and that will keep the Ruskies out of Ukraine. Err, do we really want Ukraine? Ditto Latvia, Lithuania, Belarus and Estonia. Would they be useful at all? Ever?

Melbourne was once the third largest Greek speaking city in the world. Well now Greece is in Australia, they can all go home and help pay off their homeland debt, and no you can't take your Aussie pension with you. Can supply ouzo, olives and fresh fish.

Switzerland, gold bullion, pretty cows, chocolate and funiculars, great. Cuckoo clocks, nah. The gnomes of Zurich will be useful though.

Poland, once we have dug up all of our coal, we will embrace Poland and dig up theirs. Possibly they could build a ship for us in Gdansk. 

Germany, a Mercedes for all Australians and high speed roads to smash them up on and feel great schadenfreude when we do so. Mrs Merkel can be in charge of administration and sit at the front desk to welcome and charm visitors.

Belgium, not necessary. We will run Europe from Canberra. Thanks. Collect your pay on the way out.

Netherlands, we'll just let them be smoking their bongs and they'll be no bother at all. They will all eventually cycle into a canal while stoned anyway, so their numbers are really self limiting.

Slipping south again, Bulgaria. Beautiful women and hot sunny beaches. Not interested in either.

Turkey? Almost a good example to the world that Moslems aren't so bad. Almost.

A little north, Yugoslavia. All those countries that fought and changed their borders and names in the 1990s, bugger orf. I wouldn't be so harsh if I could remember what was what used to be and what is now.

Except for whatever country Prague is in this week. It can run the Euro/Aussie public transport. 

Hungary? I believe it will be quite useful to be employed to deal with gypsies and provide opera. As a punishment for homophobia by the state, the parliament house in Budapest on the banks of the Danube will become a wedding chapel for gays. 

England, well it ain't the economic powerhouse it used to be. We'll just National Trust classify the whole place and leave it for tourism.

The elephant in the room? France. What to do with France? Our local media reporters will never get used to the idea of not reporting the bed hopping of politicians. What can we get from France that we can't get from another European country, apart from a nasty rash in an embarrassing area? Two years ago the best champagne was produced in England. Snails are to crushed underfoot, not to eat. I don't know. As for eating fungus grown on tree roots known as truffle, quelle horreur. Any suggestions?

If your country has been left out, that is because it is not important enough to bother about.

Ah, but there is one significant one I have left out, Strudel Land, and so Austria will be my personal country and I will rule Europe and Australia from Vienna. I did see a very nice palace there and I think the Highrise furniture would blend in really good.

Almost every post I write is for you to read. Today I just wrote one to just amuse myself. 

30 comments:

  1. Australia almost wasn't that big! Right up to the last moment, Western Australia was dicking around, trying to decide against Federation. They fell in at the last moment but if it had gone the other way, our nation would have been half its grand size.

    Oops, I forgot. New Zealand was joining up for Federation until the last moment. So had WA stayed out and New Zealand come in, we would have looked totally different.

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    1. Hels, I think we got the lesser of two evils.

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  2. Well amuse me it did. You were truly on form when you wrote this one.

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    1. Thank you Fun60. Glad to amuse.

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  3. I like your takeover plan and I don't mind at all that we won't have Venice, but it looks like we won't have Tuscany either and I wouldn't mind living there, up on one of those cliffs overlooking the ocean. And why wouldn't you want Belgium? They make good chocolate. Glad we've got Austria though.

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    1. River, ah, Tuscany........full of English and Australians. You wouldn't really want to live there. Don't want the Brussels bureaucracy to run things, because it costs so much money. Swiss chocolate is quite acceptable.

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  4. I'll baguettes from France, if you please. (Simple pleasures suffice for me.)

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    1. Victor, equally good are to be found in Saigon and many Australian/Vietnamese bakeries. I am rather partial to a baguette myself.

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  5. Funny man! But if Bill reads this you'll get a reply. Cuckoo clocks do NOT come from Switzerland but Bavaria in Germany.

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    1. Diane, having been to the Cuckoo restaurant in the Dandenong hills, I kind of knew this. They have a monster one there. But why do people say Swiss cuckoo clock?

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  6. Andrew, what a powerful country. No problem if you dig up our coal I will visit you and I am going to bask at your sun forever..

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    1. Not in the south in the winter you won't Gosia. Not when you are faced with an icy blast of wind from the Antarctic. R reckons in can feel colder here in winter than in England but that is possibly because we go out in winter and people don't in England.

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  7. St. Andrew - you have made me roar. This is one of your most brilliant posts - and the bar is high there. Please feel free to write posts to amuse yourself whenever the mood strikes.

    If you do decide to rule us from Vienna, please do include me in your Hap(les)sburg court. It is the most beautiful city in the world.

    I'm with Victor - I would kill for a decent baguette. Kind of comforting to know that you can't even get one in Sydney.

    xxx

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    1. You would be most welcome in my court Pants, as perhaps an artistic advisor and diarist. I'm sure you can get a decent baguette in Cabramatta. We can certainly get them here.

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  8. Very funny - a lot of work went into that. I am well aware of how big Australia is but seeing the outline super imposed upon Europe really does put it into a fresh perspective.

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    1. Craig, it did not take so long to write. I had it worked out in my mind already. I too was a little surprised, assuming it is accurate, at the map.

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  9. Can't blame WA for 'dicking around' I mean to say you lot ignore us most of the time and there we were keeping you afloat :) Brilliant post Andrew, amuse yourself anytime you get the fancy :)

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    1. Grace, for a few years you may well have contributed significantly to the Australian economy, but through history, you have been a terrible drain.

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    2. Laughing at midnight :)

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  10. Darling Andrew!

    We are so delighted to see that we, in Budapest, have been found to be useful. In your plan for world domination ( or, at least that is what it looks like to us) we shall happily provide the world with Opera. And, we can see the wedding chapel for gays with its splendid view of the Danube panorama becoming the hottest spot on the planet!

    This was a brilliant post.........a High Riser on top form!

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    1. JayLa, I thought Fisherman's Bastion might have been a good place for gay weddings, but how could I miss a chance to make Orban very cross by using 'his' house. You are too kind.

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  11. Funny post, I really enjoyed and still laughing...yes at 12.45am...it is amazing how the Australian map including Tasmania and it's many Islands fit into Europe...and remember Andrew, Melbourne was foundered after Launceston :). Ha!

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    1. WA, and then one city prospered and grew and the other did not.

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    2. True..that would have to Melbourne!

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  12. How do we do it we just don't have the numbers but we could send all our pollies over there they are very good at telling lies so they can tell them we have a huge populations and all spoiling for a fight lets face it we are just too lazy most peaceful people are.
    Merle...............

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    1. Funny, Merle. Lazy and peaceful could be summed up as apathetic.

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  13. That was funny enough. King of the World Andrew from Australia. Or maybe Critique the Country Andrew.

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    1. Strayer, just relying on stereotypes, but stereotypes exist because there is some truth in them.

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  14. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW39qcwJyrU RACISM!!

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  15. Watch tomorrow, my love.

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