Saturday, July 13, 2013

Unfriending

This is a bit painful to write about and so personal, I am not sure if I feel comfortable doing so. But I come from stock (Mother) who feels better after writing a letter, even if it is not sent. Just to get thoughts down, the modern equivalent being an email you save to your draft folder and never send, is quite therapeutic.

Remember when R stormed out of the restaurant a few weeks ago in annoyance at our Brother Friends and their friend? Two days later one of the Brother Friends called and R told him over the phone that he did not want to talk about it and hung up.

Brother Friends told a mutual friend that they don't want to attend a meal out or any other event we attend. There are plenty of issues I could mention that have happened over the years that I could take offence at, but I don't care so much. R does care. He cares too much and is hurt too easily.

My loyalty is to R of course, but I know he is also troubled by the matter. Once when one of the friends rang R and abused him over the phone for no reason that ever became apparent, I did not understand. I still don't. People don't seem to do such things to me. Maybe I come across as a hard case, and perhaps I am. I think with some manoeuvring, I rescued the friendship and on the surface all was well. But perhaps not.

To give you some context, we have been on overseas holidays with them. We have been out to clubs many times when we were younger. We have done some crazy things together and got up to all sorts of mischief. We have done Sunday drives, many lunches and countless dinners out. Every christmas they put on a big bash for friends including us, a dwindling number in recent years.

They are back in Australia for a short time before going back to the place they love, Thailand, working up to living there permanently.

I suppose the friendship was dying a natural death anyway, but I can't help but feel a little sad at the loss of friends of 32 years.

I would understand better if I could understand how R saw their character defects and the way they relate to people as not being something personal against him.

In some ways I feel relief but I also feel such a loss of the past and our history with them. I am so worn by their miserly ways which has become worse over the years, down to not even having a soft drink when out, only having water and never being able to say, we all pretty much had the same, just divide the bill up. Their two aunts lived together and the Brother Friends recounted the tale of one asking the other, I am cold Margaret. Do you think we could switch on another electric radiator bar? Nonsense Peg. Put some more warm clothes on. They have become their aunts.

When things were good, we could laugh and bitch and reminisce, but this hasn't happened for some time. I have rescued the friendship once before, as I did another with someone esle, but as in the latter case, it only delayed the inevitable end.  Attempting to rescue this break up will also only delay the inevitable, well, actually I have already delayed the break up once. This is the inevitable.

With some sadness, I say, c'est la vie.

Just in case you think I am so smart and all knowing because I can put a few words down on the www, don't, just don't.

18 comments:

  1. It does sound as if the friendship has run its course. People move in and out of our lives, some stay a short while, some longer. A lucky few are lifelong mates. Endings are sad, but often letting go is the best thing.

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    1. Yes, I think so River. Perhaps I am just clutching a bit at the past.

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  2. Breaking up with a friend is every bit as difficult as breaking up with a lover. But sometimes it's something that has to be done sadly. I'm sorry that it's come to this but you're right, it's only delaying the inevitable it sounds like.

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    1. Trouble is Keith, if you don't actively seek out new people in life, when you get to a certain age, you seem to run out of friends.

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  3. You are right that there is no way back with this situation but how sad to lose friends with whom you share so many experiences.

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    1. Fun60, sad is the best word to describe it.

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  4. sometimes these things do happen. Friendships, like love sometimes runs their course, and the course isn't 'forever'. As sad as this is to put into words, you can't save what doesn't want to be saved. I know that sounds trite but it's also true. Take care of yourself. You can write the painful things here - that's what journals are for x

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    1. Can't save what doesn't want to be saved M? Pretty wise.

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  5. TO has heaps of friends, some of them are even good friends. People she went to primary school with and everyone she has met since. About 160 people turned up for her 60th birthday party. But then, she is 110% forgiving and extremely loyal. I also suspect she has a very thick hide, because she is still willing to help people who have shit on her from great heights.

    On the other hand, I now have a total of 2 long term friends - the sort of people you might not see for 5 years but then you meet up and it's as if a day has not passed. But this only happens if someone's fundamental attitudes and values are too solid to change.
    I'm with R, I suspect. Am I too fragile to tolerate abuse? Or is abuse simply a sign that there was something lacking any way. It's certainly hard to trust someone after they kick you in the guts, and what is friendship if not a sense of trust?

    It's sad for you both, and possibly for different but equally valid reasons. But as you say, c'est la vie. Or as I have said [too?] many times... with friends like them, who needs enemas?

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    1. 160 FC? I don't think I know 160 people by name! TO is clearly very tolerant, well I guessed that already :-P

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  6. I'm sorry Andrew, there's no getting away from it, you ARE smart, but that doesn't soften the sadness of a lost friendship for whatever reasons. It sounds to me like it was time, all good things and all that hey.. you two take care of each other oui!

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    1. Yes Grace, all good things...Well, not so good for a while really.

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  7. It's hard enough to keep a friendship over time when there are just the two of you but it is exponentially harder when two couples are involved.

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    1. Marcellous, I had not thought of that. Actually then, we have done remarkably well.

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  8. Unfriending :) What a great computer word to apply to the real world :)

    Your key sentence was "I suppose the friendship was dying a natural death anyway, but I can't help but feel a little sad at the loss of friends of 32 years". Yes indeed. Friendships do wax and wane over the decades, but 32 years is longer than lots of marriages last. I suppose the best you can hope is that everyone acts like an adult and keeps their mouths shut, at least in front of others.

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    1. Hels, certainly not our way to badmouth anyone, and not theirs really either. They will be off to Thailand for four months soon, so it is not like we will be seeing much of them anyway.

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  9. Friendships with that much history are often very hard to get go of, no matter what the circumstances. Mourn its passing but don't beat yourself up over it, it happens.

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  10. Fen, everyone has written wise words and yours are too. It is a mourning for things past.

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