Sunday, October 01, 2006

Tram Speckies

I thought I would draw up a list of specification for a new tram for Melbourne, until I realised that we already have newish trams that fit the bill.

1/ Surround the driver with as much glass as possible to give him a fish in a bowl feeling.
2/ Provide the driver with great sky and top of tall building views.
3/ Provide the driver with inadequate shading from the glaring hot Australian sun.
4/ Provide the driver with complicated personal computerised aircon controls.
6/ Ensure that the driver's windows fog up on damp days and they have to revert to the old method of clearing them, wiping
5/ Ensure tram windows are tinted so darkly that passengers can barely see outside at night.
6/ In case it is possible that they can see out at night, prevent this by covering the windows with advertising and bonus, advertising obsures their day time view too.
7/ Provide the passengers with inadequate airconditioning for any day over thirty degrees
8/ Provide tiny cramped seats for all passengers.
9/ Ensure plenty of feedback to passengers about the state of the tracks, via the suspension.
10/ Make it difficult for passengers to communicate with the driver.
11/ Block the passengers forward view as much as possible.
12/ Ensure the passenger internal information display is poorly and wrongly programmed.
13/ Place next stop signalling buttons in inconvenient and awkward places.
14/ Design the doors so that they can close on passengers.
15/ Make door opening and closing signals as loud as possible with a very high pitched sound so that long distance travellers think of options.
16/ Make it awkward for passengers to see the route number by placing it on the right of the destination display, rather than the right.
17/ Place a small and narrow door at the front of the tram for people to try and enter and exit the tram.
18/ Light the exteriors of trams so they that have arrived already before you see them

Struggling, want to make twenty

19/ Place the ticket machine on the part of the tram that swivels so that the passengers have to take care of their footing.
20/ Ensure passengers slam side to side when the tram is travelling at a decent pace.

This Melbourne tram's predecessor met none of these requirements. I leave it to you to guess which picture represents which tram.


  1. Thank you for this. I haven't been on a tram for 10 years after I fell out the door (sober, dodgy knees) and now it looks like I won't for another 10 years.

  2. But why bag the Siemens? The other new ones are even worserer.

    Positive for the Siemens: they make an ultra-futuristic sound when accelerating.

    Also the one on the left might cave in on you.

  3. I don't know Bobby. I think I prefer the French one although I use them much less.