Monday, August 29, 2005

Twenty lift rules

1/ You may pick your nose and burp if you are alone in the lift.

2/ You will not break wind in the lift. You never know if it going to stop somewhere to let someone on. You alone in the lift with a bad smell does not need any explanation to your fellow passenger.

3/ If there is a bad smell in the lift when you enter, either send it on it's way empty and call up the other or be prepared to say to a fellow traveller 'I don't know what that awful smell is'.

4/ Do not squeeze pimples onto the mirrors.

5/ Do not touch any part of the lift as you may leave prints. Touch only the lift buttons. Use a tissue if you are fussy.

6/ Smile and be prepared to greet your fellow lift travellers. Note rule 7

7/ If someone does not meet your eyes when you or they enter the lift, do not greet them or smile at them. They obviously want to be left alone. This particularly applies when it is a female between the ages of 12 and 18.

8/Leave only imprints in the carpet, not footprints.

9/ When visiting someone who lives in a building that has lifts, and you are unused to them, do not push the up and down buttons at the same time. It won't bring a lift to go in your direction any quicker.

10/ Once the call up button has been pushed, pushing it again is pointless. Multiple pushes may even confuse the system and delay the lift.

11/ When in a stranger's company in the lift, by all means fiddle with your mobile phone, study your fingernails, take great interest in the flashing lights, stare at you shoes, stare at the ceiling or admire the buttocks of the person in front of you. Note, remember there are mirrors, don't get caught.

12/ Do not stand if front of the lift buttons when someone else gets in. There is a possibility they want to go elsewhere to you.

13/ Do not stand at the back of the lift and stare into the corner. It un-nerves other passengers.

14/ Lifts are unfair. You may have been in the lift first, but the last on first off rule applies.

15/ Be vigilant during school holidays when Dad has custody for the week. Note strange children in the building and which apartment they may be staying. This will be useful when you get into the lift and find every floor button has been pushed.

16/ If the lift gives a bad jolt, it is permissable to grab hold of the person next to you. (Only happened once and he did and he was cute)

17/ Sighing, pulling faces, moaning and grumbling will not make the lift arrive any quicker.

18/ Do you really need to use the lift when only travelling one or two floors?

19/ Adding up the seconds you have spent in the lift, multiplied by the number of times per day, multiplied by weeks, months and years can be depressing. Use the time wisely to think up sensible and interesting blog posts.

20/ It all sounds too hard? Benefit your physical well being and use the stairs.

5 comments:

  1. 21/ When you are waiting for the lift, note the two lights above the door. One indicates the lift is going up, the other indicates the lift is going down. If you want to go up, there is little point in entering a lift that's going down, looking at the buttons, exclaiming "Oh no, I wanted to go up!" and getting out again. It just wastes everybody's time. (And vice versa.)

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  2. Item 21 valid. Especially so as our lifts make a different audible tone when they are arriving to go up or down.

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  3. Living highrise has so many issues associated with it andrew... I don't know how you cope. My existence is so simple in comparison. ;-)

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  4. Two lots of two of words to say
    M!key.

    Drama queen.

    Easy living.

    Seriously, I take an interest, most don't. They just come and go. While quite different, it is easier than when we lived in our house in Balaclava, except the shops aren't two minutes walk away. Lift etiquette is hard. As a very serious person in the early morning and on my way to work, I dread the lift stopping at a floor when I am on my way to our car parking level.

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  5. WOOHOO!! Cute guy standing in front. Check out his butt for the portion of the journey.

    Please refrain from wanting to pinch it.

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